The Pain of Unrequited Love

There is nothing like the pain of unrequited love. By 'unrequited', I don't mean an outright-rejected, purely one-sided love. I have not experienced that, but I feel that ought to be far easier to bear. At least, one knows the answer. How long will one cry over it? A week? A month? It will get over, sooner or later.

But the pain of loving someone more than they love you - living in their society, eternally hoping that one day your love will be reciprocated - that is pain. Real pain. Pain that I have undergone every breathing moment for the last 2 years of my life. Pain, whose end I know not.

It is the pain of the eternal battle between love and self-respect. Why should I need someone more than they do me? Why should my day's happiness depend upon one phone conversation or a meaningless sms message? What did I do deserve this wretchedness?

My love, you claim I am your greatest friend. You say there is no one as noble in character and thought as me. You say there is nothing as great as this relationship, no love as pure as mine for you. And yet, you subject me to desolation and self-destruction. Are you selfish? Or are you just helpless?

Do you know how much of time I spend in a day thinking about you? Should I call you, or should I wait for you to call me? Should I wait till the evening, or should I do it immediately? Should I ask you out, or should I wait for you to ask me? A hundred meaningless arguments, a thousand useless psycho-analyses.

Yet, when we finally talk, I try to play it cool. I talk to you about my outings with other friends, my meaningless chats with random people, my studies, my sitcoms, my movies... every crap other than what obsesses my thought every moment.

But I feel you are not deceived. I am not a good actor. My voice, my tone and my expressions can reveal to you what a thousand words cannot. And yet, what do you do about it? Nothing.

Because, you know. However bruised my heart is, whatever my pent-up frustrations are, whatever my hopes, disappointments, pains and agonies are, you know I won't leave you. You have the comfort and easy assurance given by that knowledge.
It's like the love between a mother and a son. The son always knows his mother will continue to love him, irrespective of how much he ignores her.

But I am not your mother. I don't need to endure this. And I won't. One day, I'll be liberated from this love. One day, I'll no longer care about you. That day, my happiness and peace will only depend on me.